As children grow, they go through numerous stages, and as a parent, you are there for them every step of the way. You probably have strategies for controlling your children’s conduct, whether they were tantrum-throwing toddlers who smacked one other or temperamental teenagers.
You’ve probably convinced yourself that they’ll grow out of their turbulent years. But unfortunately, even once they reach adulthood, not all siblings get along.
So if you frequently find yourself caught between feuding sons and daughters, you might want to think about what experts recommend.
In this article, we will share some tailored tips on handling conflict with your adult children and how you can help them communicate better as well!
How To Help Your Children Avoid Conflict
Disagreements happen, but it may be time to intervene if your adult children dispute frequently. The first step in preventing your adult children from fighting is to focus on each one separately.
It is critical to remember that every child brings unique experiences and viewpoints to the table.
1) Develop a Separate Relationship With Each Child
Make a point of developing a separate relationship with each child. It prevents you from favoring one over another, but it also teaches them how to have healthy relationships outside of their immediate family.
The truth is that it’s not about whether or not you like or dislike them, which one is better than others, or even how much you care for them. Your goal as a parent is to make sure they are happy and fulfilled in life (even if it doesn’t always happen at home).
In addition, it will do more good than harm in building strong bonds between generations and creating better understanding among everyone involved. Recognizing your adult children’s differences and establishing unique interactions might be beneficial.
Charles R. Davenport, a Licensed Psychologist, says, “If your child believes you love them more than their siblings, it is best to acknowledge their concerns rather than disregard them.
You’re better off approaching the situation with empathy and attempting to understand why your child feels this way than merely saying that it’s not true”. Advises Charles.
2) Emphasize the Importance of Strong Relationships
According to Fishel, it’s critical to give a strong message about the benefits of healthy relationships between siblings to decrease fights and disputes among your adult children. One method to accomplish this is to share experiences about your siblings and how you resolved your conflicts with them.
Dr. Charles recommends sharing a story about how your siblings irritated you or your mother and aunt’s difficulties.
“Tell your kids how these experiences can make you not want to be close to your siblings, but that people gradually realize that they want to be connected to their family,” says Charles.
“It’s crucial to emphasize that healthy relationships are valuable and that you believe your children can sort out their problems,” adds Swapnil Gohil, Provisional Psychologist Licensee.
3) Be Transparent About Financial Issues
Some of the most heated sibling disagreements occur when one sibling believes the other is getting more money from their parents.
What makes it worse, according to them, is when the parents keep it a secret. “It’s much better to clearly explain that one child is going through a rough phase or needs money for something important, and then explain that when the other child needs support, you’ll be there for them, too,” He says.
Charles recommends that parents be mindful of providing equitable financial assistance to their children and be as conscientious and transparent about money as possible.
4) Don’t Always Try To Control the Situation When Your Adult Kids Argue
Whether you’re giving them a hard time about their messy house or making sure they put on sunscreen before heading outside, don’t take over when there’s an argument. You might be making it worse by taking control of a heated situation.
For example, if you intervene when your daughter is going on and on about how unfair her boss is at work (when she has only been there for two weeks), you might end up saying something that hurts her feelings or makes her feel like she can’t come to you for help when she needs it.
Also, be careful not to give advice too freely; that way lies never-ending conversations about how different decisions would have worked out better and might result in some resentment on your kid’s part.
5) Consider Whether You’re Contributing To the Problem
Favoritism complaints are widespread in many households and can be the root cause of adult siblings fighting. “If you are blatantly or quietly preferring one child over the other, you may be contributing to their discord,” Charles explains.
You don’t have authority over your adult children, but you control your actions. For example, when a mother classifies his children as “clever,” “artistic,” and “good-looking.” it can lead to resentment among the children and even lead to havoc on their adult relationships.
According to Charles, “comparison is the death knell of sibling harmony.” “It is not too late to stop comparing your children and start appreciating them for who they are.”
6) Listen carefully before responding
The first step to handling conflict is making sure you’re hearing what’s being said. You may think you know where a conversation is going based on body language, nonverbal cues, or previous interactions but if you want to find out what someone means, don’t assume—ask questions.
Find out exactly what your child is trying to tell you before jumping in and responding. For example, if they ask for help and then you reply with I told you, that conversation might not go anywhere good.
Instead of focusing on how right you are and how wrong they are, focus on why they asked for help in the first place and then suggested strategies that could lead to a positive outcome everyone can live with. Have you ever experienced the heartbreak of your adult children not getting along? Did you use the strategies mentioned above, or do you have any other ideas when your adult children argue? Share your experience in the comments, and perhaps it will benefit another parent in a similar circumstance.