Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” The bond in question doesn’t have to be romantic; it can occur just as easily between parent and child, friends, and family members.
Codependency often stems from low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval. It can also result from growing up in a dysfunctional family where one had to take care of an addicted or abusive parent. Codependents tend to have poor boundaries, difficulty saying no, and a tendency to feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems.
Codependency can have negative consequences for both the giver and the taker. The giver may feel resentful, exhausted, and unfulfilled. The taker may become dependent, manipulative, and unable to grow. Codependency can also prevent both parties from developing healthy relationships with themselves and others.
The good news is that codependency is not a permanent condition. It is possible to break free from codependency and build healthy relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and support. Here are some steps you can take to start your journey of recovery:
1. Recognize the signs of codependency
The first step to breaking free from codependency is to recognize the signs that you are in a codependent relationship. Some common signs are:
- You feel like you have to do everything for your partner or loved one, even if it means neglecting your own needs and interests.
- You have difficulty expressing your own feelings, opinions, and preferences. You often agree with your partner or loved one to avoid conflict or rejection.
- You feel guilty or ashamed when you do something for yourself or when you say no to your partner or loved one.
- You worry excessively about your partner or loved one’s well-being, happiness, and problems. You feel like you have to fix them or save them from themselves.
- You ignore or minimize your own problems or feelings. You may use substances, food, work, or other distractions to cope.
- You feel insecure, anxious, or depressed in your relationship. You may fear losing your partner or loved one or being abandoned by them.
- You have trouble trusting your partner or loved one. You may check on them constantly, accuse them of lying or cheating, or try to control their behavior.
- You lose your sense of identity and self-worth in your relationship. You may feel like you don’t know who you are anymore or what you want in life.
If you recognize any of these signs in yourself or your relationship, you may benefit from seeking professional help from a therapist who specializes in codependency.
2. Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries are the limits that we set for ourselves and others in terms of what we are comfortable with and what we are not. Boundaries help us protect our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. They also help us respect ourselves and others as separate individuals with different needs and preferences.
Codependents often have weak or unclear boundaries. They may let others cross their boundaries without speaking up or enforcing consequences. They may also cross other people’s boundaries by being intrusive, controlling, or demanding.
Setting healthy boundaries is essential for breaking free from codependency and building healthy relationships. Healthy boundaries allow us to:
- Express our own feelings, opinions, and preferences without fear of judgment or rejection.
- Say no to requests or demands that are unreasonable, harmful, or disrespectful.
- Ask for what we need and want without feeling guilty or selfish.
- Take care of ourselves without feeling obligated to take care of others.
- Respect other people’s feelings, opinions, preferences, needs, and wants without trying to change them or fix them.
- Accept responsibility for our own actions and choices without blaming others or making excuses.
Setting healthy boundaries may not be easy at first, especially if you are used to pleasing others or avoiding conflict. You may face resistance or backlash from your partner or loved one who is used to getting their way. You may also feel guilty or selfish for putting yourself first.
However, setting healthy boundaries is not only good for you but also good for your relationship. It can help you create more balance, harmony, and respect in your relationship. It can also help your partner or loved one become more independent, responsible, and accountable for their own well-being.
To set healthy boundaries, you need to:
- Identify your own needs and wants. What are the things that make you happy, fulfilled, and healthy? What are the things that make you unhappy, stressed, or unhealthy?
- Communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, opinions, and preferences. For example, “I feel hurt when you ignore my calls. I need you to answer me when I call you or let me know when you are busy.” Avoid blaming, criticizing, or attacking the other person. For example, “You are so rude and selfish. You never answer my calls. You don’t care about me at all.”
- Enforce your boundaries consistently and firmly. If someone crosses your boundary, let them know that you are not okay with it and what the consequences are. For example, “If you continue to ignore my calls, I will stop calling you.” Follow through with your consequences if they don’t respect your boundary. Don’t give in to their manipulation, guilt-tripping, or threats.
- Respect other people’s boundaries. Don’t cross other people’s boundaries without their permission or consent. Don’t try to change them or fix them. Don’t take their choices or actions personally. Accept them as they are and focus on yourself.
3. Develop a sense of self
Codependents often lose their sense of self in their relationship. They may base their self-worth on their partner or loved one’s approval or happiness. They may also neglect their own interests, hobbies, goals, and values.
Developing a sense of self is crucial for breaking free from codependency and building healthy relationships. A sense of self is the awareness of who we are as unique individuals with our own personality, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, beliefs, and values.
Developing a sense of self allows us to:
- Appreciate ourselves for who we are, not for what we do for others or what others think of us.
- Pursue our own passions, dreams, and aspirations without feeling guilty or selfish.
- Make our own decisions and choices without being influenced by others or fearing their reactions.
- Stand up for ourselves and our rights without being afraid of conflict or rejection.
- Enjoy our own company and solitude without feeling lonely or bored.
- Have a healthy balance between our relationship and our personal life without feeling isolated or dependent.
To develop a sense of self, you need to:
- Explore your identity. Who are you? What are your personality traits? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your likes and dislikes? What are your beliefs and values?
- Rediscover your interests and hobbies. What are the things that you enjoy doing? What are the things that you are good at? What are the things that you want to learn or try?
- Set your own goals and plans. What are the things that you want to achieve in life? What are the steps that you need to take to reach them? How can you measure your progress and celebrate your success?
- Practice self-care and self-compassion. How do you take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? How do you cope with stress, challenges, and setbacks? How do you treat yourself with kindness, respect, and forgiveness?
4. Seek support
Breaking free from codependency and building healthy relationships is not something that you have to do alone. It can be helpful to seek support from people who understand what you are going through and who can offer you guidance, encouragement, and feedback.
Seeking support can help you:
- Gain new perspectives and insights on your situation and yourself.
- Learn new skills and strategies to cope with codependency and its effects.
- Feel less alone and isolated in your struggle.
- Build your confidence and self-esteem.
- Find hope and motivation to change.
You can seek support from various sources, such as:
- A therapist or counselor who specializes in codependency. A therapist or counselor can provide you with professional help to address the underlying causes of your codependency, such as childhood trauma, low self-esteem, or attachment issues. They can also help you develop healthier coping mechanisms, communication skills, and relationship patterns.
- A support group for codependents. A support group can provide you with a safe and supportive environment where you can share your experiences, feelings, and challenges with other people who have similar issues. You can also learn from each other’s stories, tips, and advice.
- A trusted friend or family member who is supportive of your recovery. A trusted friend or family member can provide you with emotional support, practical help, and positive feedback. They can also help you stay accountable for your goals and plans.
Seeking support does not mean that you are weak or dependent. It means that you are strong enough to admit that you need help and that you are willing to accept it.
Conclusion
Codependency is a common but unhealthy relationship dynamic that can affect anyone in any type of relationship. Codependency can cause you to lose yourself in the process of caring for others and neglect your own needs and interests. Codependency can also prevent you from having fulfilling and satisfying relationships with yourself and others.
However, codependency is not a permanent condition or a life sentence. You can break free from codependency by following these four steps:
- Recognize the signs of codependency
- Set boundaries and practice self-care
- Detach with love and compassion
- Seek healthy relationships and support
By following these steps, you can heal from codependency and build healthy relationships with yourself and others. You can also enjoy a more authentic, balanced, and meaningful life.
If you need help with codependency issues or any other mental health concerns, please contact us at https://davenportpsychology.com/contact-us/ to schedule an appointment with one of our experienced therapists. We are here to help you achieve your goals and live your best life.
Support Resources in Sarasota and Venice FL
If you are looking for additional support resources for codependency issues in Sarasota and Venice FL, here are some options you can explore:
- Codependency Support Groups in Venice FL: You can find codependency support groups in Venice FL that are facilitated by trained codependency counselors on Psychology Today. These groups can help you connect with others who share your struggles and offer you a safe space to share your feelings and experiences.
- Codependency Support Groups in Sarasota FL: You can also find codependency support groups in Sarasota FL that are led by qualified codependency therapists on Psychology Today. These groups can provide you with valuable insights, skills, and strategies to cope with codependency issues.
- SARASOTA CoDA GROUP: You can join the SARASOTA CoDA GROUP that meets every Friday from 7:00 PM to 8:30 PM at Unity Church of Sarasota (3023 Proctor Road). This group follows the Co-Dependents Anonymous program that is based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. This group is currently zoom capable* and you can find more information on CoDA.org.